Survived a guard dog attack in Noumea

Flying into New Caledonia was great, they looked after us all well with food and alcohol.

When we got picked up I met Peter Perfect who was also getting on the ship the following day, he was a metal worker with some wicked tats who had to do some repair work on the Pearls kitchens. As he hadn’t been to Noumea before and we arrived pretty early (4.30pm) we settled into the Ramada Hotel and decided to go for a walk and check out some of the local beers.

As we had dinner paid for we took advantage of that and then decided to head out to a couple of the local pubs to check out the Friday night life. Being men and already been out once we decided to take a short cut. Of course we got lost in some bush land; it was pitch black with only the moon light helping us. We headed down an embankment and wound up in an open clearing next to a huge house about 20 meters away. Next thing we hear this almighty angry barking, and it was heading straight for us out of shear darkness. Peter did the bolt straight away which I did not realise as I was too busy trying to prepare myself for a guard dog launching at me. I stood my ground and all I could see was his shining eyes, glowing teeth and frothing mouth charging for me. He was not happy, he took a couple of snaps but wasn’t connecting, after I shit myself, I started barking back at him, what this was going to achieve I had no idea but it seemed to be working as he backed off a bit, still barking and growling. I’d turned into the god damn dog whisperer, which was strange because I’ve always considered myself more of a pussy whisperer. With my camera in hand I thought I’d take a picture of him to see if the flash in the dark would calm him down. It didn’t, so I kept barking, he wasn’t happy and took a bite at my leg putting a hole in my jeans but not my leg thank god. I don’t think my barking was helping as I wasn’t barking in French, so I kept talking to him while backing away towards the front of the house. I saw street lights and made a B line for them only to discover I was inside a compound with eight foot walls with spikes on top. No wonder he was pissed, I think it was some sort of government house. I managed to scale the wall and gingerly made my way over the big ass spikes; this left me in a very precarious position on top of an eight foot wall, I thought for a second and said to myself your fit and used to be a stunt man, go for it. So I took my egos advice and jumped smashing my left heel on the ground below. The pain that shot through my body I was sure it was broken, but on further evaluation I realized I had only bruised it severely, that was last Friday night, it’s Tuesday night now and I’m just able to put a bit of weight on it. Oh well, at least I didn’t end up as an Ozzie appetizer for a French guard dog.

It took 10 minutes for Pete and I to reconnect and share our stories. I needed to get off my foot and thought what better place than a pub, that way I could drown the pain at the same time which we proceeded to do. There was no walking back to the hotel though so we caught a cab and I flicked the driver 20 bucks Ozzie. Nice start to an adventurous 14 day cruise.

We got picked up from the Ramada (which I’ve spelt wrong in the picture) at 7.30am after breakfast. My day after that consisted of chilling with my foot up.

After cruising all night we anchored in the port of Lifou at 8am. Being a good day and not wanting to miss an opportunity I hobbled off the ship and tip toed around Lifou


I thought it would be fun to go for a scuba dive as I used to scuba dive in my teens and twenties, I was a qualified rescue diver when I left New Zealand, sure that was in 87, but I thought I’d give it go as the protocol on the island wasn’t all that tight. The zodiac ride for half an hour to and from the dive site was worth the 87 bucks alone, it was an excellent heart pounding experience. The dive site and dive was unreal, I loved it heaps but did have a little problem clearing my mask at depth, I used my own mask which I think was a mistake as it was probably a little old. I spent most of the time staring through salt water which blew my eyes up something chronic. So, on the ride back and for the rest of the night I could hardly walk or see. I looked like a special needs person trying to get around the ship, but I was having a blast.

Next day we were anchored off Mystery Island. I stayed on board with my foot up and eyes closed most of the day, except for when we spotted a whale and its calf playing in front of the ship.

i was up at 5.30 this morning checking out the sunrise as we were heading into the Isle of Pines, sunrises and sets are my favorite on the cruises. My eyes were back to normal and my foot was feeling heaps better so I ventured off the ship and had a quick look around before boarding for lunch and chilling out the rest of the afternoon on the oasis deck.

We have set sail and are off back to Sydney. My first show is tomorrow night in the Dome, can’t wait to get on stage and have a good laugh with everybody. I stay on in Sydney and head up to Port Douglas and then Cairns were I get off and spend two nights as I have a gig in Cairns before flying home.

Cheers, I’ll fill you in on more of my adventures soon... keep laughing loud my friends and don’t let anything stop you living right NOW!          


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